It has been a bit since I posted because life happened and I had to focus my time elsewhere. Earlier this spring, my dad had suddenly injured his back after years of putting off addressing his twinges of pain. My mom, still undergoing chemo took more of my focus. It is a season of life that, Lord willing, everyone goes through; where one or more of your parents need your time and attention.
Like any good type A, enneagram 8, I felt the need to control the situation. Driving 18 minutes across town was too much, so obviously we all had to move in together. Which meant getting our house ready to sell because our bedrooms are on the second floor. Which meant lots of outside work and doing all those little projects that you promise yourself you will get to eventually… You get the idea, a spiral of self-induced stress and exhaustion. Thankfully my ever patient husband persuaded me to breathe and my ever feisty mother put her foot down that she would not be moving in with us.
So I did something I have only had to do once before, I sat and spent time being present. My dad’s initial surgery went well, but then began to leak the moment he was being discharged. We are very grateful it happened then and not after he arrived home. This resulted in another surgery and then physical rehabilitation for a few weeks. This meant that hospital visits were now a regular.
It also meant he was out of commission to help my mom. I took her to her weekly chemo appointments and sat patiently during nephrostomy tube exchanges. I worked remotely, but it was still more time than I had spent with her in a while. We laughed more, shared more, and I was able to find some quality of life items to make her life easier.
This time gave me time to reflect and focus in on three things that anyone can use to navigate these times.
1. Find a Moment for Gratitude
The saying that “things can always be worse” is often true, but not very helpful. Gratitude helps rewire our brains to look at the positive in the situation. The more we find things to be grateful for, the more a path is burned into our brains for our subconscious to default to thankfulness. It isn’t just a thing to do because ‘we should all be more grateful’, it is a survival strategy for the harshness of life. It’s a hidden truth within Philippians 4:8, the “whatever is honorable, whatever is just… think on these things.” Thinking on these things, focusing on the good, gives us strength in difficult times.
Start small by acknowledging the little wins. In my case, the hospital and my mom’s appointments are all near our homes. It turned into finding more gratitude as I made myself be present. I was thankful for the nurses that took the time to get to know both my parents and were so incredibly kind and caring to them. I was thankful to be allowed in their rooms where conversations were being had about their diagnoses. Honing my mind to be focused on being grateful kept me sane during a time when worry and anxiety could have easily taken over. A mind focused on gratefulness isn’t easily brought to chaos or despair.
2. Be Present
I prefer to disassociate when things get difficult. My cellphone use typically skyrockets during difficult times. The quiet and stillness can be uncomfortable. If we push pass that discomfort, this quiet has the opportunity to give way to peace and acceptance. I grew up in a household that spoke of death as a part of life and not a secret to never be discussed. That hasn’t really helped me be any more prepared for seeing my parents get older, weaker, or more sick.
Being present during all of it has been a gift. The peace of God which surpasses all understanding (Phil 4:7) can only come to us when we are present. His peace isn’t going to show up on social media or cell phone games. It will appear when we lean into the moment and allow Him to show Himself. That can only happen when we are present.
3. Let it Out
Feeling a lot during these times is normal. You are not alone in the ups and downs that come with any trying time. Philippians 4 actually ends with Paul thanking those in Philippi for “sharing in his troubles”. Identify someone you can talk to: a friend, family, partner, or therapist is a good place to start. When talking to someone who is not a paid professional, start by asking if they have bandwidth for the conversation. Once you have the green light, share your feelings. Your feelings here are valid. You will likely express things that make you feel weak, selfish, conceited, and vulnerable. Emotions that we typically label as bad, but are a likely result of you letting out what you are going through. Burdens are lighter when others help you carry them. The irony is not lost on me that my last post was on showing up for others during difficult times. Showing up during difficult times is something many of us want to be better at, your friends likely want to opportunity to be there for you but don’t know how to. Being an ear for you to talk to, without judgement, is one of those ways.
No matter how prepared we feel for what life may throw at us, the emotional toll is something that we are never quite prepared for. I hope that simplifying your selfcare down to three steps and incorporating Philippians 4 as a reminder of these steps will allow you to feel God’s peace even in the most difficult times.
The Eclectic Life – Curate A Life You Love.
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